Dear Brandi Glanville,
You are inappropriate. You are insensitive. You are a dick. And, you are not perfect. (All criticisms that you’ve been kind enough to bestow upon yourself.) And, I’m as surprised as you to find out, you are also a racist.
I watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills a lot. Like a lot, a lot. I know the in’s and out’s of the show. But I have to say, it hadn’t quite dawned on me that you were a racist. I don’t know if you were just waiting for the first non-white cast member to join the show so you could let the tiger out of its cage. But that kitty is out and proud. Rawr!
Let’s back track, we know Joyce is not your favorite. But is that an excuse to be racist? Even to annoying beauty queens, ugh, unfortunately no! So lame, right?
But this Palm Springs trip, oh child no. You messed it all up. And it’s a two part episode, so that means there’s more bad stuff coming!!! (What is going to happen next week?!?!)
I’ll start from the beginning just so I can cover my bases. I knew Palm Springs was doomed from the beginning. From the first time Joyce’s eyes glimmered with the idea of a girls’ weekend, I knew… But how doomed I did not yet know. Neither did Joyce. Poor, Puerto Rican, non-swmming because she’s black, Joyce. But there I go, jumping ahead. Silly me. Maybe it’s because I’m black. (It probably is, shoot.)
I saw you were headed down a dark path (pun-intended) when you started telling Joyce that her name wasn’t Latin. Latin enough for you Brandi Glanville? Right. I’m so sorry. You’re an expert on Latin culture. Remind me again because you’re…a…nope I don’t know why.
'Margarita' is better. I get it. At least 'Lupe' right? Or 'Selena'! But nooooo, Joyce had to go and have a white girl name. What a bitch! But luckily, you're so quick on your feet you came up with a better name! Instead of 'Joyce' you omitted the 'J' and repeatedly called her 'Yoyce' with a false Latin accent. It was baby racist. Micro-racist aggression. We let white people slide all the time because we figure you'll tire yourself out and you'll quit it.
But, Yoyce should have stepped in because her silence only got that tiger hungrier and hungrier. Bad kitty!
Unfortunately B, you didn’t stop with the name thing. Instead, you dropped the bomb. You wanted to swim with Yoyce in the pool. Then, she refused and told you she couldn’t actually swim. Then you said, ‘You’re like a black person’. Well, well, well. I hate to say this, that is totally racist.
I know, you don’t think it is. You didn’t call her a ‘nigger’ or anything. Now, that is racist. That is very, very racist. But, there are things that qualify as racist that are not ‘get you slapped in public by a random black person’ racist. These smaller racist remarks are racist too, and they’re mean. You said a mean thing. You hurt Joyce’s feelings. And to be honest, you hurt my feelings. You hurt other people’s feelings too. You hurt people’s feelings who you’ve never even met before. That’s why racist stuff is tricky. You think it’s funny and then, before you know it, people are mad at you. They’re mad because they’re hurt, girl. It’s like when you’re drinking, and somebody says, ‘Wow! You have a drinking problem!’ And you’re like, ‘Shut up, no I don’t!’ And people keep saying it because that person just said it. Now everybody is saying the same untrue thing about you. (This rumor really has legs!) Everybody keeps saying you have a drinking problem! But it’s not even true. Now, imagine people were saying that for years and years and years. (Like Richard Gere. You know.) Now imagine you were black and you were told you couldn’t swim because you were black. What if you were a really good swimmer? It wouldn’t matter because people knew you couldn’t. They’ve been saying it for years! You’re black, you can’t swim. That’s what you’re saying, Brandi.
The boring part is, when you make generalizations about people due to their race that is racist. That is, in fact, the definition. So when you say your words are ‘not racist’ you’re being illogical. Your words are the definitive example of racism. It was like one of those examples from a racial sensitivity seminar that they tell you you must not say.
So quit making excuses and apologize for the mean, racist thing you said. Say, “I’m sorry and I shouldn’t have said that”. Leave it there. No more, “I’m sorry if I offended anyone…” People always do that when they’ve said something horrible! It’s so silly! It’s not about offending us. Of course, people are offended. People get offended when you say offensive things.
And lastly, quit saying that you have ‘so many’ black friends. You can have ‘many’ black friends and still say racist things. Those things can go together. Like denim and denim. (Fashion faux-why-not, right??) You see, your ‘many’ black friends aren’t responsible for showing you that there are still boundaries discussing race. Mainly because you are a grown-up. You have two sons. You write books. You appear on a TV show. You’re responsible for the words that come out of your mouth-hole!
But lucky for you, dear one, there’s a way out! Say you’re sorry. A real sorry. People will get over it. They’ll like you less. But they’ll get over it.